It’s been an interesting old year for the press, hasn’t it? From the super injunction row to the phone hacking scandal, we’ve had plenty of cause to wonder whether the media’s lovely feet are maybe, well, a little bit clay-y, if you know what I mean.
It can’t be easy to be a newspaper/TV station/website in this day and age. Everyone is hyper-connected: online, on their phones, on TV. They’re hungry for news, and they want lots of it, and immediately. You need to produce the goods, you need it out now, and you need an angle no one else has. It’s a super-competitive game. Anyone who saw the Daily Mail’s frankly disgraceful faux pas yesterday will know how that can go wrong. Awaiting the Amanda Knox appeal verdict, they had prepared two front page stories: “guilty” and “not guilty” versions. Unfortunately, someone pressed a button too early and the “guilty” version went live before the verdict was announced. You can see some choice quotes from it here. It’s amazing how they were able to foresee the response of her family and even what the prosecutors would say…. In a situation THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
The press have been caught short in this way a few times recently, writing “profiles” on people arrested for a crime they were later found not to have committed. Here’s a fascinating one on Rebecca Leighton, a nurse arrested in Salford for allegedly contaminating saline solution and killing patients, and since freed without charge. According to this cutting-edge profile, written using that well-known journalistic technique of “nicking images and statuses from someone’s facebook profile and then making stuff up”, we learn Rebecca was “a heavy smoker whose favourite tipple is rosé wine”. Horrifyingly, she also posted on facebook, “"I'm a happy, lucky kinda girl, loves the weekends (if I'm not working) and having a laugh with the people that I call friends for a reason." This clearly shows us that she is not to be trusted, and likes to knock pensioners off given the opportunity. An unnamed source said so, so it must be true.
All of this made me think. Who knows what the future holds for me? I might get done for a high-profile crime, or be embroiled in a scandal involving Peter Crouch, a bucket of honey and an octopus. I may be too busy for interviews then, so I thought I’d save the press some time, and write my own profile. I’ve plundered my facebook pics, and written appropriate captions to show you the “real Rosie”. Apologies to the friends and family featured in any of the pictures, your identity will not be revealed (except for Matt, sorry), and I stress that anything anyone reads below this line is entirely fictitious. Or is it?
Notorious party girl Fiore weaves a web with her words
Sultry wordsmith Rosie Fiore, recently implicated in the appalling cephalopod scandal, has a hidden past, it has been revealed.
The copywriter and mother-of-two is known to many as “Rosie the Raver”, a source close to her told us. She loves the champagne lifestyle, and will stop at nothing to have a good time.
“Rosie the Raver”, seen here with a friend, exploits a young worker in Oxford,
forcing him to row her up and down while she swills her favourite tipple
“She’s always been a tricky one,” says a long-term friend. “She was in a gang when she was younger. They dressed as construction workers and intimidated people with building tools and cruel word jokes.”
Fiore’s gang is seen here, adopting a threatening pose to terrorise a rival faction.
Despite being married, Fiore’s romantic life is chequered. “She goes like a train,” said an unnamed source, “No man is safe from her rapacious sexual appetite.”
She is seen above cosying up to two different unnamed men, and below, indulging in a bizarre sex game with another man and a woman. None of the men in these pictures are her long-suffering husband, who was unavailable for comment.
Her children suffer the brunt of her thoughtless wild lifestyle too: she is pictured here, drunk and insensible, being held up by her innocent son. “Often, she leaves me alone for hours at a time to fend for myself,” nineteen-year-old Matt allegedly told a friend. “I have to make my own toast and everything.”
But is she really the woman who got down and dirty with Crouch at the aquarium? “There’s no smoke without fire,” said sources close to the Fiore camp. “There’s no doubt that if there was a seven-foot footballer, an eight-legged sea creature and a bucket of something sticky, Rosie would be first in line to be involved. She’s always quick to make a move.”
One monkey, one typewriter, seldom Hamlet.